Here are some of this week’s biggest stories in three sentences or less:

Matthew McConaughey is a Serious Actor Now— To prepare for his role as a man battling HIV/AIDS, McConaughey dropped a reported 30 pounds. His dramatic weight loss along with a memorable performance could earn him an Oscar next year. Too bad his striptease, complete with assless chaps, in this year’s “Magic Mike” is what he’ll be best known for.

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Lindsay Lohan and Taylor Swift are the Most Obnoxious Publicity Whores— For the umpteenth week in a row, Lohan and Swift made headlines because of their personal lives and not their mediocre talent. So, I’ve vowed to make no mention of them in any future posts. You’re welcome.

Top Ten Lists— With the end of 2012 fast approaching, expect to have your inbox bombarded with top ten lists that you care absolutely nothing about. Top Ten Baby Names List anyone?

Rider Strong is Too Cool for “Girl Meets World”— News of a “Boy Meets World” sequel and possible Feeny/Eric reunion has me and everyone else I know ecstatic.  Rider Strong, better known as Shawn Hunter, doesn’t share our enthusiasm and won’t be returning to the show, like he has anything better to do.

Angelina Jolie to Quit Acting— In a recent interview, Jolie told a reporter that she plans to quit acting once her 6 children reach those tough teenage years. Good riddance. Team Aniston for life!

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Jessica Simpson is Smarter Than She Looks—In May, Weight Watchers paid Simpson a hefty $3 million dollars to become their spokesperson. After losing 60+ pounds, she is reportedly pregnant again. What a genius; She gets paid millions to lose the weight, and now she has an excuse to gain it all back.

The Duchess of Cambridge is Pregnant, too— Kate Middleton and Prince William announced that they’re expecting their first child, who will become the third in line to the throne. Prince Harry couldn’t be more excited because now he can continue to party hard and wear offensive costumes without a care in the world.

“Girls” Season 2 Trailer Has Hit the Web— Not much has changed: Everyone is entitled and completely devoid of ambition. You can rest assured that Lena Dunham’s half naked body will be front and center in the upcoming season.

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show— Speaking of half naked women, Victoria’s Secret’s annual fashion show reminds me yet again that just because it’s the holidays doesn’t mean I get to splurge on peppermint mochas and mashed potato soufflés without any consequences. Thanks for the newfound motivation, Adriana Lima.

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Britney Spear May Not Return to “X-Factor” for a Third Season— According to sources on the “X Factor” set, Ms. Spears may not return unless her absurd $15 million dollar salary is cut. As much as I love Britney, her blank stares and failed attempts at constructive criticism isn’t worth more than $7 million … tops.