Here are some of this week’s biggest stories in three sentences or less:
Chris Brown vs. Frank Ocean— Chris Brown allegedly pummeled Frank Ocean outside a Hollywood recording studio. The fight, which left Brown’s beating hand in a cast, was reportedly over a coveted parking spot. Frank Ocean isn’t pressing charges for the sake of ‘peace,’ providing Brown with another opportunity to beat yet another person.
Liberty Ross Files for Divorce from Rupert Sanders— Six months after being caught on camera canoodling with Kristen Stewart, Rupert Sanders’ model wife, Liberty Ross, filed for divorce. At least Stewart and Robert Pattinson worked out, if only for the sake of their careers. Who says true love is dead?
Matt Damon Takes Over “Jimmy Kimmel Live”— With the exception of Colbert, Kimmel continues to be my favorite late night personality. Only Kimmel would be cool enough to let Matt Damon tie him to a chair while his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Silverman, poked fun at their awkward sex life.
The Grammys are on Sunday— The Grammys is the only awards show to hand out virtually no awards. Expect performances from a number of talentless musicians like Maroon 5 and Rhianna.
“Do No Harm” Does Little to the Ratings— NBC’s new drama became the least watched Network premiere ever. Note to development executives: Blending a modern day medical drama with a classic novel doesn’t equate to an overnight success.
Beyoncé is the Real Superbowl Champion— Mrs. Carter pulled off one of the most entertaining, memorable halftime shows in recent history. She may not have suffered from a wardrobe malfunction, but her electrifying performance caused a stadium-wide power outage.
Justin Timberlake Didn’t Call Britney Spears a B**ch—Justin and Britney were once pop royalty, until Britney broke J.T.’s heart. During a recent performance of “Cry Me a River,” Justin said, “Sometimes in life, you think you found the one, but then one day you find out that she is just some b**ch.” Later on Twitter, J.T. denied any mean spiritedness (Surrrrre).
Emily VanCamp to Star in Next “Captain America” Movie— The “Revenge” actress will star opposite Chris Evans. Can we just skip to “Avengers 2”, please?
How I Met Your Mother to Return for Ninth and Final Season— It’s about time. If the creators wait till the series finale to reveal the mother, I’m going to lose it. And by lose it, I may transform into Robin Sparkles.
Jason London Suffers Beating— The “Dazed & Confused” actor suffered a brutal beating at an Arizona bar. Following his arrest, the actor purposely pooped in his pants while on his way to the police station. I feel worse for the officers tasked with cleaning up the mess than I do for London, who suffered several serious injuries.