Here are some of this week’s biggest stories in three sentences or less:
Beyoncé Lip-Synched “Star-Spangled Banner”— You know our country’s priorities are out of whack when President Obama’s inauguration is upstaged by Beyoncé and Michelle Obama’s new bangs. At least Beyoncé’s pre-recorded rendition worked out better than Ashlee Simpson’s “Saturday Night Live” debacle.
Leonardo DiCaprio is Taking a Break from Acting— After starring in three films in just over two years, Leo is taking a well-deserved break. But really, he just wants to spend his time partying with fellow man child Jonah Hill and dating supermodels.
Charlie Brown is a Creep— Peter Robbins, the voice of our beloved Charlie Brown, was arrested and charged with five felony counts of stalking. His arrest, along with Kevin Clash’s (voice of Elmo) sexual assault charges, has made me really question my childhood favorites. Is Larry Brantley, the voice of Wishbone, next?
J.J. Abrams to Direct “Star Wars” Sequel— J.J. Abrams, who is currently working on post-production for “Star Trek Into Darknesss,” is set to direct the new “Star Wars” film. Will Abrams finally be the one to bring peace between the Trekkies and Han Solo wannabes? I doubt it.
Robert Redford Disses Paris Hilton— Robert Redford is displeased with the Sundance Film Festival for allowing people like Paris Hilton through the door. Wait, who’s Paris Hilton?
Lady Gaga’s “POPART” Far From Being Done— Although 10 new songs have been recorded, none of them are close to being finished. Honestly, after her last album, I could go another year, or several, Gaga-free.
Justin Timberlake’s Album Out in March— J.T. is such a tease. A week after releasing “Suit & Tie,” J.T. announced the release date for his new album—March 19th, everybody! My year has been made.
David Fincher May Direct Gone Girl— The “Fight Club” and “Social Network” director is in talks to direct a film based on Gillian Flynn’s novel about a woman who disappears on her fifth wedding anniversary. Hopefully it fares better at the box office than Fincher’s “Girl with a Dragon Tattoo.”
Ryan Murphy Continues His Sophomore Slump Streak— Last Wednesday night “American Horror Story” aired its second season finale. Following in the footsteps of “Popular,” “Nip/Tuck,” and “Glee,” the second season of “AHS” was full of wrong turns and lazy storytelling. Perhaps he can end the slump with crossover editions of “AHS” featuring the “Glee” cast and a very special made for reunion movie of “Nip/Tuck” where the clients are the “Popular” cast members.
Adrienne Maloof is Dating Sean Stewart— Cougar alert! Kudos to the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star for finding a younger man to date despite her botched Botox job and high maintenance lifestyle.