Here are some of this week’s biggest stories in three sentences or less:
Justin Timberlake Debuts New Music— On Monday, J.T. debuted his first song in over six years. And as much as I wanted to play hard to get, I’ve had “Suit & Tie” on repeat over the past couple of days. Hopefully the world doesn’t end until after his new album comes out.
…And So Did Destiny’s Child— Following in J.T.’s footsteps, Beyoncé, along with her back-up singers, released “Nuclear.” This slow jam is more likely to put you to sleep than have you anxiously awaiting their appearance at the 47th Super Bowl.
Lance Armstrong’s Apology Tour Has Begun— Well, it’s official. In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Armstrong, who faces serious legal ramifications, finally admits to doping. Is there anything this woman can’t do?
Britney Spears and Fiancé Split— Spears and Jason Trawick have split. Fear not, though, this week Spears also announced that she’s leaving her $15 million gig at “X Factor” for a $100 million one in Las Vegas. Not a bad way to dull the heartache.
Hollywood Has Finally Forgiven Ben Affleck for “Gigli”—I thought this day would never come, but after winning Golden Globes for Best Director and Best Picture, Affleck is finally back in Hollywood’s good graces. Hopefully Affleck’s newfound credibility sparks an on-screen reunion with Matt Damon, his one true love.
Jodie Foster Comes Out as…Single— In one of the most perplexing acceptance speeches I’ve seen, Foster admits to being single, takes a jab at Honey Boo Boo, and thanks a stunned-looking Mel Gibson. Thanks to spontaneity, live TV will never cease to exist.
Jennifer Lawrence is the Coolest Chick in the World— In case you haven’t heard, Lawrence is the funniest, most down-to-earth actress around. Not only does she talk candidly about her flatulence, but she quoted “First Wives Club” while accepting her Golden Globe for Best Actress. Looks like I’ve found my new best friend.
Director Kathryn Bigelow Addresses Torture Controversy— Bigelow, the director of “Zero Dark Thirty,” finally addressed the controversy surrounding the film’s depiction of torture, namely waterboarding. According Bigelow, the torture scenes were for artistic purposes only. I just hope the actors portraying the POWs were paid handsomely.
Ryan Gosling, the Boy Bander— Ladies, it’s true. 2013’s unofficial Sexiest Man Alive could have been a Backstreet Boy. Let’s thank the stars that that didn’t happen.