Here are some of this week’s biggest stories in three sentences or less:
Justin Bieber Caught Smoking Pot— This week a picture surfaced of Bieber holding what appears to be a joint. A few days later Bieber tweeted this nugget of wisdom, “Everyday growing and learning. Trying to be better. U get knocked down, u get up.” As much as I enjoy looking at photos of wannabes behaving badly, this doesn’t compare to the photos of Miley Cyrus smoking salvia from a bong.
Don’t Date Fred Armisen— The “Saturday Night Live” and “Portlandia” star fessed up to being a bad boyfriend and an even worse husband on Howard Stern’s morning show. In addition to his failed marriage to “Mad Men” actress Elizabeth Moss, the comedic actor also dated former “SNL” member Abby Elliot before she was abruptly dismissed from the show. Women, you’ve been warned.
Bethenny Frankel Files for Divorce— After announcing their separation over the holidays, Frankel has officially filed for divorce and is also asking for spousal support. At least she’ll have her huge mountain of cash to keep her warm at night. So wait, why does she need spousal support?
Kimye Baby— Reportedly, the couple has already turned down a $3 million dollar payday in exchange for the first photos of their spawn. This week they also bought an $11 million dollar mansion. Did they plot to have a baby together just to torture me with ridiculous tabloid stories about their lives?
Golden Globes Air This Sunday— Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are co-hosting the biggest party in Hollywood. Without a doubt, the duo will do a better job than the ill-fated Oscar pairing of James Franco and Anne Hathaway. The comedic actresses even invented a drink for the special occasion!
“50 Shades of Grey” Film Adaptation May Be Rated NC-17— Its screenwriter, Kelly Marcel, revealed that the highly publicized adaptation will be so risqué that it’ll warrant a NC-17 rating. Right now millions of unsatisfied housewives are cheering.
Creepy Old Broadcaster Fawns Over Miss Alabama— Alabama might have outplayed Notre Dame for the BCS National Championship title, but Katherine Webb was the real winner of the night. Brent Musburger, an ESPN broadcaster, devoted his on-air time to praising Miss Alabama’s appearance instead of focusing on the game. Guess that’s what happens when a non-SEC team plays a SEC team.
Courtney Cox Doesn’t Quite Look Like Herself These Days— While promoting the return of “Cougar Town,” Cox appeared on “The Ellen Show” looking a bit too fresh-faced. At least Matthew Perry is looking normal again.
Lance Armstrong May Admit to Doping—Everybody already knows the disgraced cyclist is guilty. If this is a step towards a public relations makeover, it’s not going to work. But then again, Chris Brown is still relevant.
Al Roker Admits to Sharting at the White House— Like you need any other reason to love and admire this courageous man.