Here are some of this week’s biggest stories in three sentences or less:
“Liz & Dick”— Much is being made about Lindsay Lohan’s latest role. Her portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor may be the worst acting I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen all of Jennifer Lopez’s movies.
The Death of J.R. Ewing— One of the most memorable TV villains of all time has passed away. Larry Hagman, also known as J.R. Ewing, died from throat cancer. Let’s all tip our gaudy cowboy hats to the baddest man in all of soap opera history.
“Breaking Dawn Part 2” Didn’t Suck— Director Bill Condon took creative liberty with the book’s final showdown, and some of the most beloved characters lost their heads and their limbs. Unfortunately, Bella wasn’t one of them.
Bieber and Selena’s On Again/Off Again Relationship— I can’t even begin to tell you how much I don’t care about these two. Perhaps Selena was finally fed up with having a boyfriend who looked more feminine than her?
Taylor Swift is Forever on the Prowl— It’s impossible for Taylor Swift to go more than a week without a boyfriend. She just ended things with the Kennedy kid and she’s already dating Harry Styles from One Direction. Word of advice: Stop dating celebrity playboys!
Tis the Season for the Worst Movies— The holiday season brings out the best and worst movies. To endure movies like “Jingle All the Way” and “Ernest Saves Christmas,” make sure to eat enough stupor-inducing turkey. If you’re looking to feel better about your family, I suggest watching “A Christmas Story.”
Black Friday— I’m all about great deals, but not when they require me to wake up any earlier than 10 a.m. on my day off.
Rhianna and Chris Brown Are ‘Unapologetic’— The secret is out: Chris Brown and Rhianna have terrible decision-making skills. The two have been ‘dating’ for a few weeks now, and of course, they’re flaunting it all over the Twitterverse. What could go wrong with this?
Matt Lauer is Totally Getting Fired— Low ratings and a bad attitude has made Matt Lauer the scapegoat for “The Today Show’s” fall from its morning talk show throne. Some career advice: Don’t kick the real stars to the curb.
“Dirty Jobs” has been canceled— Thank the Lord. No more Mike Rowe, and hopefully his nauseating Viva commercials are soon to follow.