[SPOILER ALERT: Content from episode 3 below. Proceed with caution.]

“The Vampire Diaries” filled last night’s episode with humor, action and even more twists. Elena’s change into a vampire provided a slew of amusing quotes while Damon, of course, was not short of quips. Here are nine quotable moments from episode 3.

• “Good day for a midlife crisis…a hundred and sixty-four years, I’d say you’re due.” — Damon to Stefan as he tinkers with a motorcycle.

• Elena: “New house, huh? Did your brother finally kick you out?”
  Rebekah: “He didn’t kick me out. I left.”
  Elena: “So you left the only person on Earth who actually likes you?”
  Rebekah: “Well your boyfriend liked me once. Actually a lot more than once.”

• Meredith: “Tell me that is not a bomb.”
  Damon: “Okay, it’s a kitten, an adorable, exploding kitten.”

• “You’re good at this, you know that? You saved my vampire life and now you’re saving her’s. You should write a book, go on The View…” — Caroline to Stefan

• “I don’t want to go home. I want to take the white oak stake and kill her. That’s how mad I am. She made me murderous.” — Elena

• As Damon and Klaus corner the vampire hunter. Damon: “Well, you know, maybe you can cue me in on this greater evil because I fought this guy and there’s nothing more evil than that.”
  Klaus: “Yeah, truth be told, I’m as evil as it gets.”

• “And for future reference, one voice mail is just as effective as nine.” — Klaus to Stefan

• Jeremy: “See, I told you I could be a badass.”
  Damon: “Shh, badasses don’t say that.”

• Elena: “Why am I thinking of you?”
  Hallucinatory Damon: “Because you’re a vampire now, and part of you knows you’re a lot more like me than you are like him.”

  – Becca Ritchie